To Resolve...By Becki Neidens, SOAR Director of WY Programs

New Year’s resolutions are the arch-enemy of anyone diagnosed with ADHD. Are you kidding me? Make a drastic, life-changing commitment for a year (which is the same as 12 months, also the same as 365 days)? It is already so challenging to turn homework in every day. Even when it is completed, it sure is difficult to remember where it was put, or to find it in the backpack that closely resembles the aftermath of Chernobyl when it is unzipped.  New Year’s resolutions are for the other folks – for the “neurotypicals”.  You know – the sort of people whose executive functions don’t crumble like a house of cards with one small curveball or change of routine. Might as well forget about it. No chance. Never gonna make that a success. Sick of failing. Know better than to even try.

            …Or should we try? Where do we draw the line between self-awareness and acceptance of the diagnosis and self-improvement, goal-setting, and growing into the person we’d love to become? Through challenge comes growth, right? How in tarnation do we tread those murky waters of distinguishing between realistic, attainable goals and allusions of grandeur? I reckon that is the true life-long conquest of the ADHDer. Someone recently told me the animal he admires most in the animal kingdom is the turtle.  When I asked why, he said “because he always has to stick his neck out to get anywhere.”

            How can the resolution for self-improvement be broken down so that it is not overwhelming and impractical? One suggestion is a year of mini-resolutions – just one resolution per month.  Begin by identifying four overall goals you’d like to accomplish. For each major goal, identify 3 concrete steps you can take that are practical and that you can commit to practicing. Each month you focus on one of those steps exclusively – no more than a 31-day commitment. The beauty of the plan is, after focusing on something for a month you tend to witness some results and are likely to continue the resolution in moderation far beyond the 30 days.  

            An example of the 12 resolutions in 2012 could look like this:

MAJOR GOALS

-          Improve my nutrition

-          Improve my fitness

-          Improve my relationships

-          Improve my work/school performance

NUTRITION

o   Cut out soft drinks (JANUARY)

o   Eliminate desserts (MAY)

o   Have protein rich breakfast everyday (SEPTEMBER)

     FITNESS

o   30-minutes of fresh-air activity 5-days a week (FEBRUARY)

o   Take a 10-minutes, stretch/walk-around break every hour (JUNE)

o   Learn a new physical activity (yoga, martial arts, zumba, spinning…) (OCTOBER)

    RELATIONSHIPS

o   Spend two hours each week alone and unplugged with ____________ (MARCH)

o   Send 3 postcards every Wednesday to friends and family to just say hello (JULY)

o   Do an unsolicited favor for someone at home/office/school every day (NOVEMBER)

     PERFORMANCE

o   Check work email 3 times/day – personal email (including Facebook) only in morning and at night – from home (APRIL)

o   Clear off your desk completely at the end of each work day so that everything is in a proper place (not just stacked in a drawer off the desk) (AUGUST)

o   Spend 1 hour everyday entirely unplugged…no internet, no computer, no television, no radio, no iPod…give you brain time to problem solve, daydream, and create (DECEMBER)

Being diligent about your resolutions for one month is attainable.  Having an external system of accountability will certainly help. Share your plan with a friend, a co-worker, or a coach who can support you. Provide yourself incentives for following through each month. Don’t beat yourself up if you slip. When you are the verge of reaching for that Ben and Jerry’s pint on May 23^rd, know that you only have a week to go – no sweat, then you are off to something new. Keeping life fresh and dynamic seems to be a ticket to success for living with ADHD. Challenge yourself with the resolution of “12 in ‘12” and see where it takes you – ‘cause as we know THROUGH CHALLENGE COMES GROWTH.

Goal Setting

By: Becki Neidens, Director of Wyoming Programs

 

         You may occasionally find yourself pulling your hair out thinking that if only your child would try harder, then he (or she) would do better. For this purpose we’ll use “he”. Consider for a moment that perhaps if only he did better, that he may try harder. Nothing motivates a person more towards success than tasting a bit of sweet success.  There are many ways in which you can help your child begin to pave the pathway to success.  Teaching your child to set and reach attainable goals can certainly be the foundation to that road.  Each time a goal is set and reached, your child holds a brick of confidence to place along his journey.  With each new brick laid, success becomes attainable – and familiar.

            In addition to being the prime motivator toward success, goal setting has also been identified as one of six key attributes of life long success for people diagnosed with Learning Differences by the Frostig Center out of Pasadena, California.  Helping your child to develop solid goal setting and attainment skills will go a long way in ensuring his overall success in life.

            The biggest trick in creating those first few bricks to lay on the road, is that the goals must be important to your child, and therefore chosen by your child. Challenge yourself this week to sit down with your child, help him to set an attainable goal that can be achieved within a week or so (allow your child to determine the deadline for goal achievement), help him to identify the steps necessary to achieve the goal, help him to develop a system of accountability, help him by providing support and interest throughout the week, and have a formal check-in at the end of the week to celebrate the success.

            WHAT IT COULD LOOK LIKE:

            Schedule time to visit with your child on Sunday evening.  Let him know that your time will be spent on goal setting so that he has some time to think about what might be important to him.  Assure your child that this will be HIS goal, not yours.  As much as you might want to corner him into a homework-related goal, allow it to be a safe place for him to choose a goal that may not be related to school or academics whatsoever.   Where you can provide the greatest assistance in the goal setting process is in asking some guided question to help him see if the goal is realistic, attainable, and short term (you will get to long term goals once a couple of bricks are piled together and the skill of goal setting has been learned).

            Once an appropriate goal has been chosen, your child may need some assistance in identifying action steps to take to meet the goal.  What are the options?  What course of action might your child take to meet the goal?  What concrete plans can be made? How often will he be spending time devoted to this goal? What time of the day or how often will he need to be working on the goal? Are there others involved? If so, how do their schedules coordinate? This is the step where the nitty gritty of goal attainment is worked out, and quite often the most difficult for our children to conceptualize.  It is extremely helpful to have the action step written out so that it is concrete and you can pull it out each day during the accountability meeting.

            The next step, developing a system of accountability, is often the most frustrating part of the child/parent relationship in terms of goal setting. The beauty of this first step is it is 100% the child’s goal.  Your role is simply to support his success.  Schedule specific times with your child throughout the week to check in on the goal progress.  Remind yourself that your role is to support, encourage, and celebrate the successes.  If you learn during a scheduled check-in that your child did not hold up his end and complete some of the action steps he came up with, this is not the time to admonish him. Instead, it is an opportunity for learning and growth. Provide positive feedback on the steps that he did complete, and then help him discover where the breakdown occurred.  Ask him questions so that he can identify why an action step did not get completed – allow him the safe place to be honest with himself and with you.  Help him to identify what can be done the next time so that he is able to follow through with the plan he put in place.  Remember that it is his goal and your job is to support him in achieving it. The most important part of the accountability meetings is focusing on the positives and teaching the process of goal setting and attainment. Part of that is teaching is understanding that there may always be bumps along the road, and failing forward is a big part of learning and growth…only as long as you pick yourself back up and continue to move forward.

            The final check-in meeting is scheduled for whenever your child determined to be the deadline for his goal.  This meeting is where that brick of success and confidence and cemented.  Allow your child to truly celebrate his success of achieving the goal he set forth.  Congratulate him for the hard work and dedication it took to meet the goal – allow him the opportunity to reflect on the process and take pride in his new accomplishment.  Perhaps you have dinner at his favorite restaurant or you spend a couple of hours together doing his favorite activity – something that will be meaningful to your child.  Making a big deal to recognize the development of the skill of goal setting cannot be understated.

Success breeds success. After taking the time to revel in the glory of the first brick, see what goal your child would like to work toward next.  With consistent support, the bricks will be piling up and creating that road to a successful and happy future.

Focusing on Positive outcomes for Children with Learning Disabilities and AD/HD

By John Willson, SOAR Director of LD and ADHD Services

So often people become quagmired in challenges and problems of a particular issue.  I would encourage you to take a different approach when dealing with a child diagnosed with a learning disability or AD/HD.  Make a conscious effort to move from a perspective of “What is wrong?” to a more solution focused approach of “Where is the opportunity here?” 

When I was 14 and in the 8^th grade, I was assigned the task of completing a report on Baby Face Nelson.  As I let my creative side lead the process, I chose to give the presentation in the first person as if I was Baby Face telling you my life story.  As I explored the house for the appropriate garments to complete the look, I found an old Fedora, a suit, and a pair of black wingtips in my father’s closet. The only problem I encountered was with the suit, and the fact that I was 5’ 8” and my father was 6’ 4”.  The jacket was no issue, the baggy look seemed to be in keeping with the old photographs I found; the problem was the pants.  My parents were out of town, so it was up to me to come up with a solution; I made a bold choice.  Yes, you guessed it – snip, snip.  But I didn’t stop there, I even convinced a neighbor to hem them for me.

As it turned out, it wasn’t just any old suit I had disfigured, but my father’s best worsted wool, double breasted, pin stripe suit.  At dinner that night, my father announced to the family my choices leading up to the presentation while they were away.  The look on my brothers face clearly showed the demonstrative glee as he anticipated the scolding I was about to receive.  Then, one of the most remarkable things happened.  Dad announced to the family how proud he was to have a son with the creative problem solving abilities to complete such a remarkable assignment in their absence.  My shock was confirmed with the incredibly disappointed look on my brother’s face. Why?  Why would my father go to such lengths to congratulate me, when I had willfully taken a valuable suit from his closet and cut the pants to fit for a one-time school project. 

Years later he shared with me this simple truth.  “Life wasn’t easy for you John.  When I found opportunities to celebrate your strengths and accomplishments, I felt like that was the most important thing I could do for you.  In five years, the suit would not matter, but your sense of self would always be important.”

Therefore, I encourage all of you to focus on positive outcomes for your children’s and be purposeful how you discipline, encourage, and provide nurturing support that will matter more than five years from now.

Here are some additional articles you may find helpful:

http://www.ldonline.org/article/The_Positive_Side_of_Learning_Disabilities_and_ADHD

http://www.ncld.org/ld-basics/ld-aamp-social-skills/social-aamp-emotional-challenges/the-socialemotional-side-of-learning-disabilties

http://www.lessontutor.com/kw4.html